Tech Report

If there’s one thing that’s as certain as taxes and death it’s that since the first electric connection was made – humans have been terrified of it’s power and seemingly limitless possibilities of hurting us, capturing our soul, or just killing us in some weird twisted maniacal way.  I mean, I’m scared of a lot of things like exploding truck tires, driving in Russia, and every living thing in Australia, but nothing terrifies me more than robots… even the smiley ones that pick up my messes – I’m convinced they’re going to implant something in my brain while I sleep. Anyways, this shared irrational fear led me to wonder through the years, what technologies scared the living bejesus out the world.  So here are your 5 scariest and most horrifying technologies that the world wanted to burn at the stake like a witch in Kansas.

Number 5 – The Microwave

This little food-warming device has caused such a stir among parents, children, and hamsters that there is an actual phobia it is included under called RadioPhobia.  Remember when you were growing up and you’d sit in front of the microwave staring at your food and your mom would say, don’t get too close or you’ll get cancer?  Well it scared the crap out of me and apparently a bunch of other people because there were scientific papers actually published on how dangerous they were, and then more were published recently on how safe they actually are.  Just don’t throw metal in them…because that’s probably dangerous.

Number 4 – The Telephone

Yes, it was a miracle the first time a telephone was actually used and it worked.  But some people didn’t quite agree. In fact, preachers in Sweden proclaimed it the work of the devil, while members of the elderly community thought they’d get shocked and have a heart attack.  And while none of these things ever really happened – the invention of telesales has made it somewhat the work of the devil.

Number 3 – Video Games

I mean, take your pick – they make our kids fat, they kill your social skills, they’re training manuals for mass murderers, gamers stay indoors and die from drinking too much Red Bull or will never reproduce and the era of men will end. Sure, they’re addictive and I can buy the somewhat weak link between them and some of the mass shootings we’ve seen.  But for the most part, the more important link is between them and the increased brain activity amongst gamers.  You hear that kids – the more games you play the smarter you are.  Tell that to your parents.

Number 2 – The Y2K Bug

Some of you might not know this, but in the years leading up to the year 2000, we were all led to believe that the computers we relied on for everything from airplanes to fax machines only had two digits representing the years.  And when we hit the year 2000, those computers would stop working or blow up or something, leaving airplanes to fall from the sky, elevators to plummet to the ground, peanut butter to stop tasting good with jam, and general utter chaos.  In the end, literally nothing happened except your local apocalypse doomsayer probably had to head home in humiliation.

Number 1 – Robots

They’re smarter than us, can build themselves, might eventually become self-aware, can run faster, open doors, and kill humans without mercy. And we’ve literally put them in the drivers seat of our own destiny – first stop, death.  Second stop, domination.  And despite all this fear and potential for human annihilation, we keep building them and making them faster and smarter.  I mean, who in the world would want something in their house that automatically cleans, brings me a beer, and answers my phone calls from annoying telemarketers?

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